I do not
spend much time with Vanity. I live in a
house with no mirrors. In lieu of a
comb, I wear a hat. My clothes always
match – black shirt, dark pants. Sometimes
white shirt, darker pants. Flip-Flops.
I’m
old. I have been “out of the hunt” for
so long, I don’t even know what I am looking for. I stopped caring about what is in
fashion. I no longer feel the pressure
of women’s eyes on me. As much as I may
imagine what is beneath that skirt, I am beyond any efforts to actually try to get
in there. Too old. Too lazy.
Can’t be bothered. I am what I am
and I do what I do.
 |
| nice calves. |
Imagine my
surprise when a fiery sprite in her late thirties commented that she wanted to
ravage my calves. I looked down at my
calves. I wondered if she was talking
about cooking baby cows.
“These?
Yes, I see what you mean, they are indeed in fine shape. No, madam, I do not work out.”
I am just
one of those people. I have a
full-fledged gym on the floor just below where I live. Never been in it. Am I in shape? Probably not, but I feel great. And women want to sleep with my calves.
Shall I
tell you about my good friend who got in a swimsuit and an evening gown and was
crowned Mrs Universe Philippines 2012...? She hadn’t
done a single squat or sit up in years. She
hadn’t been in a gym either.
 |
| Gals Who Don't Gym |
How do we
do this? Well, we have secrets. In the spirit of Summer, I will share.
You see,
this is the time of the year when Vanity comes seeping out from under the skins
of even my least self-conscious friends.
My good friend Alvin puts it simply: “This is the only time of the year when
shirts come off in public places. I may
be one of those shirtless people, so I want to look good when that happens.”
So right
around late February, he and my other pot-bellied friends start using gym cards. They dust off the bike and running
shoes. One month and change to get into Shirtless
Shape.
 |
| float like a butterfly, swim like a whale. |
Not me. Sure, when my shirt comes off, the panties
stay on (on the ladies, I meant, not me).
But I feel all the confidence from the sculpting of my daily
workout: a regimen I built from years
and years of shameless daydreaming and laziness.
Join me –
you still have time – and you can work yourself out into a Shirtless Summer Confidence:
1. The
Pillow Press
As you first
gain consciousness in the morning, take that pillow from between your legs –
one hand gripping each end. Now place it
squarely on your face. Cool and
refreshing, isn’t it? In a moment, you are
going to snooze, but first, adjust that pillow on your face. While lying on your back, lift it up over
your face until your arms are all-the-way stretched out above you. Exhale as you do so.
Now, since you
are in a dreamy snoozing mood, fantasize.
Imagine that the pillow is the heaviest block of cotton in recorded
history. Cleopatra is sitting on it
right now. She must not fall! Imagine that it takes all of your Herculean
strength to lift it. Now slowly, with your
arms shaking from the effort, inhale and slowly lower the pillow. Smell the sweet perfume of Cleopatra’s
backside on your face. You will then exhale
and shiver from the exertion as you lift it up again. Cleopatra waves to the crowd. Ten repetitions, maybe twelve, then you can curl
up and snooze. Dream of your own huge
biceps and rippling chest. And of an
Egyptian Diva sharing your bed.
2. The
Leg Crane
Hear
that? That’s the snooze alarm going off,
it really must be time to get up. But
wait, don’t get up yet! Stretch! While on your back, stretch your legs as far
from your torso as possible. It helps if
you imagine that this actually makes you taller. Visualize the people at work marvelling at
your taller self!
“Hey, you look taller today!”
“I do?”
“Yes, you do, are you wearing heels?”
“No, silly, it’s just my secret exercise
regimen!”
 |
| this crane, not the flying sort. |
Now without
bending your knees, lift both legs until they are at a forty-five degree
angle. Your legs are cranes lifting twenty
tons of metal beams. The workers must
have time to unload the metal beams safely!
Hold your leg-crane at that position and count to fifty. (If you cannot count to fifty, you are not
yet fully awake, and you must snooze some more.) Lower your legs slowly. Can you do it again? Sure, why not? Counting to fifty is fun – especially if you
pretend you are counting the thousand-peso bills you hid in your underwear so
that your wife would not find it. Smile
as you do this. Oh, and feel the
burn. Visualize the fats in your stomach
fleeing from the burn!
Now you can
get up. No, wait, you will not get
up. Rather, you will roll off your bed
and onto the floor. The ceiling is
crashing down onto your bed! ROLL like
Indiana Jones and escape your doom!
3. Push
Ups, yawn.
Ah, the floor. While here, you will embrace the wonderful
world of push-ups. Pretend you are Richard Gere in An Officer and a Gentleman.
You don’t want to get up. You
want to stay on this cold floor and snooze.
But you have to go to work.
Why? Because – and say this out
loud while crying – “I got nowhere else
to go!” Now give us some push
ups! Fifteen should do it, but four will
be fine.
4. Planking
Like a Champ
Done? Not quite.
Now you will embrace the even more wonderful world of planking – or, as
I like to put it, “Not Doing Push Ups Like a Champ.”
 |
| like a pro |
To properly
“plank” all you have to do is to get into the starting position for push
ups. Get ready – are you ready? Now don’t do anything. What?
That’s right, just stay there! Think
of it as a big “FU” to push ups. It looks like you are going to do it, but
then you just don’t! You just hold that
position for a minute – or until your core muscles are burning so much you
think you might be having an orgasm.
Except you are not having an orgasm, you are just experiencing the
elation of not exercising in order to exercise.
Your mind is blown.
Collapse
face first onto the floor, then roll to your side and pretend you are a
mermaid. Do it! Prop yourself up on your elbow and lift your
torso off the floor so that your entire body is once again a straight “plank”
from head to toe. Except you do not have
toes, you have fins! This is “Side
Planking,” and it is sheer lazy genius!
No wonder mermaids have such flat stomachs. Ever seen a mermaid with a pot belly? You haven’t.
5. Shower
Squats
Wait,
aren’t mermaids wet? Okay, you are off to
the shower. As you stand there naked,
notice your rear end and say to yourself “I
KNOW this can be rounder!”
So you drop
the soap, but you do not bend over to pick it up – NO! That would be too weird and vulnerable. Instead, you plant your feet firmly on the
wet slippery tiles and squat to pick up the soap. Exhale slowly as you straighten up, holding
the soap high above your head like a trophy while saying “I got it! I got it!” Then let it fall out of your hands
again. Ten to twenty times should do
it. Sometimes the soap bounces off so
you have to do lunges to reach it. This
is all good.
By this
time, your bar of soap should have a very interesting shape from the ten to
twenty dings on its edges from crashing onto the bathroom tiles. Think about taking a picture of this for
Instagram. Maybe later.
 |
| it's okay, pick it up. |
6. Telekinetic
Tummy Tuck (TTT) while Toothbrushing
Now you
must put on a pair of pants and brush your teeth. As you do so, imagine that you are a
statue. The only living part of you is
your toothbrushing arm and your mouth.
Everything else must be perfectly statue still. As you do this, imagine the folds on your
belly. Visualize them pouring over your
belt like a sundae cone or a muffin.
Now, use the sheer force of your will to take every fold and muffin top
and tuck all of it back into your belt.
You will feel your stomach flatten and your abs burning under all that
fat. You will also feel the toothpaste
start to foam and ooze out the side of your mouth. Spit.
7. Walk
Like a New Yorkah
Fully
dressed, you walk down and out to the street – briskly. You walk everywhere - briskly. Pretend you are in New York. You are a New Yorker! You power walk everywhere! You also skip breakfast because you are
running late. That’s what you get for
snoozing and taking forever to get out of bed.
You also spent like an hour in the shower, but worry not, because we are
walking ever so briskly. We will not be
late.
We will
take a cab. In the cab, as you sit, you
once again feel the muffin tops popping out over your belt. They must be stopped. You are in transit, you have nothing else to
do, so you might as well do this: Using only your stomach muscles and the power
of your imagination, you will once again command every last fold back into your
belt.
 |
| that's one way to deal with it. |
8. The
TTT at Work
At work, as
you sit on your desk, you will do this yet again. In fact, the TTT is the exercise you will do most often – every time you are
sitting and idle, you will do it. Sure,
when no one is looking, you might do some more planking or soap squatting, but you
are generally not risking that. The TTT
is subtle, and no one can see you doing it.
Stick with it. Don’t risk the
memo.
9. One-Legged
Queuing
At lunch,
as you are queued to pay for your meal, stand on one leg. Pretend you are Ozzy Lusth and you are on the TV Show Survivor. The challenge is
for individual immunity, and you must stand on one leg for as long as you
can. Balance. Focus!
Feel the burn on your calves. Feel
your entire core.
Feel
everyone’s eyes on you. Hear the lunch
lady say “Excuse me, can I help you?”
for the eleventh time. Feel her eyes on
you.
Smile, she wants you. She wants to make love to your calves.
Smile, she wants you. She wants to make love to your calves.
 |
| staying fit one leg at a time. |
Trust
me. I am not part of the buff and ripped
population, but I feel great, and these are my secrets. Do these every day, and you too will feel
great.
But wait,
there’s more! Ready to level up? Try these TTT combos: every time you sit idly
and telekinetically tuck your tummy into your belt, you will visualize a few
more things. As you stretch your core
muscles, you will now stretch your imagination.
10. The
Self-Esteem Stretch
Imagine you
have perfect Self-Esteem. You have the
ability to not care about peoples’ opinions because you are very happy with
yourself. Can you imagine this? This is the true source of Shirtless Summer Confidence.
11. Sweet
Home Diet
 |
| outside, chaos. inside, home. |
12. The
Ultimate Stretch
Imagine
that you love your job. Maybe you never
bring it home, but you love it when you are there. You are good at it, and you have a ball with
your co-workers. They are funny, they
are interesting, and you like the pay.
13. You
Are Hobby Man!
Imagine
that you have hobbies - stamps, video games, sports, pretending to be a
nineteen year old female on online dating sites – whatever floats your
leisurely boat. Imagine you are never
bored – that there is never a moment when you are sitting at home and wracking
your brain trying to figure out what you want to do. There is always something fun for you to do.
14. The
Company Policy
Imagine
that you enjoy the company of your friends, and they do yours. Even when there is no activity and you are
just sitting on the couch like a trio of Homer Simpsons. Not for what you talk about, and not for what
you do together. You just enjoy each
others’ company, simple and pure.
Imagine you finally understand the true meaning of “Hanging Out.”
15. Rinse
and Repeat
You will do
this until you believe it. All of
it. In so doing, you may forget some of
the earlier exercises, but that’s okay.
Your abs will disappear, but your Smile will not.
The Super
Secret Law of Buddha at the Beach: Happy people can always take off their
shirts.
It just works out that way
for me, and I know it will for you. Now
go and enjoy the confidence of a Shirtless Summer. Enjoy it all year round.
