GET LUCKY

You're a Big-Time Go-Getter.  It's on your resume.  Right next to Quick-Learner, and just under Team-Player.  You want to go and get it all.  Get hard.  Get rich.  Get action.  Get married.  Get divorced.  Get to the point.

Whatever or wherever your point may be, you want to Get Lucky.

Do you order a two-piece chicken meal and get two wings?  Maybe you're the wizard who picks all the numbers that the roulette ball never drops into...?  Can't sleep because some pizza-faced stud in the next room makes thudding noises on the wall with the top of some young lady's skull all night?  (Or maybe he was learning how to use a small battering ram.  Either way he had wood, but we digress...)

Because everyone else seems to get lucky.  We'll make sure you get your turn.

Let's start: Dress the part.  You don't have to look like James Bond to get lucky, but for god's sake, please don't look like a loser. You become what you prepare for.  Before you walk out that door, ask yourself:  Do I look like I have good fortune?  The freshly washed and pressed dress shirt says “YES.”  The frayed collar on your lucky Celtics T-shirt says “Please, I beg you, let this be our year!”

A clean pair of loafers will do more wonders than wearing horseshoes under your clovered hooves.  Guys in suits are more likely to get in places, while guys in wifebeaters get picked up by casino security.

You dressed up?  Now undress everyone else with your eyes.  Fantasize.  Keep that dream alive.  Visualize the result - the ENTIRE result, with all the details.  If you are sitting on fifteen, don't just pray for a six like a schmuck on a deserted island waiting to be rescued.  Look up at the skies and imagine the helicopter.  The sound, the color, the pilot, the ladder.  Play it out in your head.  See the six of hearts coming.  See the dealer turning it over.  See the future, and then see what happens.

A winner imagines the girl naked before he actually gets there. Sometimes he imagines it for years.  Sometimes he climbs a tree and tries to peek into her bedroom.  That's the fine line between winner and stalker.  Do not cross that line.

Get in the game with the proper mindset.  If you came to play, you are going to spend a lot of money, and all you will get back is fun times and a few stories.  The money in your pocket is your capital.  If you call it spending money, it might as well be play money.  Change that mindset.  You are here to Invest.

Pay attention to the details and you will know where to invest.  Just because your friend hit the super six, it doesn't mean you have to try.  Don't chase a bad investment just because the payout looks juicy.  If you bought that Miss World runner-up a lobster dinner and she still doesn't look like she will put out, cancel the champagne and move on to the MILF by the slot machines.

That's just an analogy, okay?

While we're at it, don't forget the foreplay.  You know how to visualize, now Ritualize.  Blow before you throw.  Squeeze before you open.  Massage the felt, then bet on the come.  Having a routine is like a using a reset button – it is a signal to your entire being that you are starting fresh. This keeps your head clear.  It helps you move on.  Having some form of ceremony also keeps you steady while you make things interesting.

Touch yourself.  A lot.  When things start to feel like they are getting out of hand, you might be surprised by the healing power of your own hands.  Put your hand on your betting arm to calm your nerves.  Put your hand just under your heart to feel the building excitement.  Put your hand under someone's skirt to test the waters – didn't I say you have to invest?  Take a gamble goddammit!

And if you take a wicked beating, put both of your hands on top of your head and say “Ayayay!” - not only does this break the tension, it gives people the impression that you might be Hispanic.  Being mistaken for a Latino could be an excellent way to get lucky.

And once you do get lucky, pinch yourself.  Make sure you aren't still visualizing.

Table Dance

It’s a Friday night.  With money in your pocket, and adventure in your heart, the choices have been narrowed down:  hit the clubs and get smashed after failing on seventeen attempts to hook up, or hit the casino and attempt to double your roll… so you can hit the clubs and get smashed after.

The latter is called “Getting a Freeroll.”

How hard can it be?  You’ve watched Casino Royale – both the original and the remake – and you’ve done your fair share of window-gambling.  If these dear old grandmas can hit a jackpot, shouldn’t you have yours coming?

Yes, I believe you deserve it.  Before you walk into a sea of tables and turn all your assets into chips for one night of exercising your absolute faith in karma, you might want to take a deep breath.  How about four deep breaths?

     1.   ONLY BRING WHAT YOU ARE WILLING TO INVEST.

Notice I did not use the word “lose” or “gamble” – that’s because you do not walk into a casino to do either.  You have funds, and you want those funds to mature.

If you are undecided on how much to invest for one wild night with Lady Luck, there are two ways to come up with your limit.  One way is to simply think of it as “redirecting your fornication fund” – you know, the amount you were willing to splash all over the clubs anyway? Well, that’s your investment ceiling.

The other way is more intuitive.  Make one single visit to the ATM and take as much money out as you can until you:  a) feel uncomfortable; or b) have the machine tell you to please stop for the sake of the children.

     2.   WALK AROUND, LOOK AROUND

These establishments are designed to be thoroughly enjoyed.  You don’t think Ricky Razon spent two billion dollars to have you make a beeline from the front door to the nearest Sic Bo table, do you?

Enjoy as much of the property as you can sensibly afford.  Have a memorable meal at the fancy restaurant.  Get a great deal on a hotdog in the food court.  Ogle at some dancing girls.  Answer the question “Whatever happened to (insert formerly famous singer here)?” – there she is, belting out tunes behind the roulette table!

     3.   DON’T GET MARRIED TO YOUR FIRST DATE

Okay, I stole this from another advice column, but it applies here just as well.  There are hundreds of games to choose from, so take your time.  Place some small bets on a game here and there, then take stock of how you feel.  Then keep walking around.  The Casino is a big carpeted ocean full of fish and chips.  Feel it all out before you commit to one table for the rest of the night.

You want to call it foreplay?  Let’s call it FLOORPLAY.

Walk the floor.  Watch what other people are doing.  Make some new friends and ask them what they think – whether it’s a tip on what slot machine is about to pop, or some Game-Theory-Optimal approach to betting on a coinflip.  Sure, it’s all hogwash, but this is all part of the gaming experience:  Complete strangers passionately sharing unsolicited strategies with no basis whatsoever.

     4.   CHECK OUT THE HOTTIES

Not just the ones with the long legs, but also the ones with four legs.  A Table can get “HOT” when one player gets on a run and beats the house hand after hand.  This kind of run creates an energy that attracts patrons from all over the floor, who wander towards the “Hot Table” (or “Hot T, get it?”) like zombies who just caught a whiff of living flesh.

You can be one of those walkers.  You will find that it is insanely fun to watch the house lose.

What is even more fun is to be part of this brief glitch in the Casino Matrix.  Bet on the Hottie and see what happens.  Then take your newly minted chips and walk away like a Hollywood action hero with a burning vehicle in the background.