Table Dance

It’s a Friday night.  With money in your pocket, and adventure in your heart, the choices have been narrowed down:  hit the clubs and get smashed after failing on seventeen attempts to hook up, or hit the casino and attempt to double your roll… so you can hit the clubs and get smashed after.

The latter is called “Getting a Freeroll.”

How hard can it be?  You’ve watched Casino Royale – both the original and the remake – and you’ve done your fair share of window-gambling.  If these dear old grandmas can hit a jackpot, shouldn’t you have yours coming?

Yes, I believe you deserve it.  Before you walk into a sea of tables and turn all your assets into chips for one night of exercising your absolute faith in karma, you might want to take a deep breath.  How about four deep breaths?

     1.   ONLY BRING WHAT YOU ARE WILLING TO INVEST.

Notice I did not use the word “lose” or “gamble” – that’s because you do not walk into a casino to do either.  You have funds, and you want those funds to mature.

If you are undecided on how much to invest for one wild night with Lady Luck, there are two ways to come up with your limit.  One way is to simply think of it as “redirecting your fornication fund” – you know, the amount you were willing to splash all over the clubs anyway? Well, that’s your investment ceiling.

The other way is more intuitive.  Make one single visit to the ATM and take as much money out as you can until you:  a) feel uncomfortable; or b) have the machine tell you to please stop for the sake of the children.

     2.   WALK AROUND, LOOK AROUND

These establishments are designed to be thoroughly enjoyed.  You don’t think Ricky Razon spent two billion dollars to have you make a beeline from the front door to the nearest Sic Bo table, do you?

Enjoy as much of the property as you can sensibly afford.  Have a memorable meal at the fancy restaurant.  Get a great deal on a hotdog in the food court.  Ogle at some dancing girls.  Answer the question “Whatever happened to (insert formerly famous singer here)?” – there she is, belting out tunes behind the roulette table!

     3.   DON’T GET MARRIED TO YOUR FIRST DATE

Okay, I stole this from another advice column, but it applies here just as well.  There are hundreds of games to choose from, so take your time.  Place some small bets on a game here and there, then take stock of how you feel.  Then keep walking around.  The Casino is a big carpeted ocean full of fish and chips.  Feel it all out before you commit to one table for the rest of the night.

You want to call it foreplay?  Let’s call it FLOORPLAY.

Walk the floor.  Watch what other people are doing.  Make some new friends and ask them what they think – whether it’s a tip on what slot machine is about to pop, or some Game-Theory-Optimal approach to betting on a coinflip.  Sure, it’s all hogwash, but this is all part of the gaming experience:  Complete strangers passionately sharing unsolicited strategies with no basis whatsoever.

     4.   CHECK OUT THE HOTTIES

Not just the ones with the long legs, but also the ones with four legs.  A Table can get “HOT” when one player gets on a run and beats the house hand after hand.  This kind of run creates an energy that attracts patrons from all over the floor, who wander towards the “Hot Table” (or “Hot T, get it?”) like zombies who just caught a whiff of living flesh.

You can be one of those walkers.  You will find that it is insanely fun to watch the house lose.

What is even more fun is to be part of this brief glitch in the Casino Matrix.  Bet on the Hottie and see what happens.  Then take your newly minted chips and walk away like a Hollywood action hero with a burning vehicle in the background.