GET LUCKY

You're a Big-Time Go-Getter.  It's on your resume.  Right next to Quick-Learner, and just under Team-Player.  You want to go and get it all.  Get hard.  Get rich.  Get action.  Get married.  Get divorced.  Get to the point.

Whatever or wherever your point may be, you want to Get Lucky.

Do you order a two-piece chicken meal and get two wings?  Maybe you're the wizard who picks all the numbers that the roulette ball never drops into...?  Can't sleep because some pizza-faced stud in the next room makes thudding noises on the wall with the top of some young lady's skull all night?  (Or maybe he was learning how to use a small battering ram.  Either way he had wood, but we digress...)

Because everyone else seems to get lucky.  We'll make sure you get your turn.

Let's start: Dress the part.  You don't have to look like James Bond to get lucky, but for god's sake, please don't look like a loser. You become what you prepare for.  Before you walk out that door, ask yourself:  Do I look like I have good fortune?  The freshly washed and pressed dress shirt says “YES.”  The frayed collar on your lucky Celtics T-shirt says “Please, I beg you, let this be our year!”

A clean pair of loafers will do more wonders than wearing horseshoes under your clovered hooves.  Guys in suits are more likely to get in places, while guys in wifebeaters get picked up by casino security.

You dressed up?  Now undress everyone else with your eyes.  Fantasize.  Keep that dream alive.  Visualize the result - the ENTIRE result, with all the details.  If you are sitting on fifteen, don't just pray for a six like a schmuck on a deserted island waiting to be rescued.  Look up at the skies and imagine the helicopter.  The sound, the color, the pilot, the ladder.  Play it out in your head.  See the six of hearts coming.  See the dealer turning it over.  See the future, and then see what happens.

A winner imagines the girl naked before he actually gets there. Sometimes he imagines it for years.  Sometimes he climbs a tree and tries to peek into her bedroom.  That's the fine line between winner and stalker.  Do not cross that line.

Get in the game with the proper mindset.  If you came to play, you are going to spend a lot of money, and all you will get back is fun times and a few stories.  The money in your pocket is your capital.  If you call it spending money, it might as well be play money.  Change that mindset.  You are here to Invest.

Pay attention to the details and you will know where to invest.  Just because your friend hit the super six, it doesn't mean you have to try.  Don't chase a bad investment just because the payout looks juicy.  If you bought that Miss World runner-up a lobster dinner and she still doesn't look like she will put out, cancel the champagne and move on to the MILF by the slot machines.

That's just an analogy, okay?

While we're at it, don't forget the foreplay.  You know how to visualize, now Ritualize.  Blow before you throw.  Squeeze before you open.  Massage the felt, then bet on the come.  Having a routine is like a using a reset button – it is a signal to your entire being that you are starting fresh. This keeps your head clear.  It helps you move on.  Having some form of ceremony also keeps you steady while you make things interesting.

Touch yourself.  A lot.  When things start to feel like they are getting out of hand, you might be surprised by the healing power of your own hands.  Put your hand on your betting arm to calm your nerves.  Put your hand just under your heart to feel the building excitement.  Put your hand under someone's skirt to test the waters – didn't I say you have to invest?  Take a gamble goddammit!

And if you take a wicked beating, put both of your hands on top of your head and say “Ayayay!” - not only does this break the tension, it gives people the impression that you might be Hispanic.  Being mistaken for a Latino could be an excellent way to get lucky.

And once you do get lucky, pinch yourself.  Make sure you aren't still visualizing.